USB Humping Dog

I think the title and picture say it all.

I have only to add... finally.

Butt What?

A Belch is just one gust of wind,
That cometh from thy Heart...
But should it take the downward trend,
It turns into a Fart!

Presenting Subtle Butt, aka The Tex-Mex Antidote, aka Breathe-Right Down Under, aka Nazi Gas Chamber, to be used in combination with Hitler Underwear, below (too far?).

According to the manufacturer, "simply stick it in the right place and you're ready for a chili cook-off. " Might be a good idea to double pad.

How long lasting is this massi-pad? Depends on your diet

What do you do with used pads? Leave them under your roommate's pillow

How badly do you need this product? If you have to think about it, you probably need it

Can it be used as a gas mask? No, tell your friends to squeeze tighter

Overall score: 65%

Justification: It's very close to a piece of crap

The Slushie Guru

Q: Why did the dick go to the 7-11?

A: To get a slurpee

Make off colored jokes, like the above, obsolete with product that will slushify naturally sugared (ie non-diet) beverages -- the Slush Mug

Here's the cold facts:

• Makes drinks into slush in MERE minutes (wih some stirring, after you've frozen the glacier core of the mug for approximately 6 hours)
• Non-toxic materials for safe drinking
• Slushified drink will last up to two hours
• Glacier Core will last for up to five years: after that, it transforms into another mug for the cupboard
• May or may not be dishwasher safe
• Will work with milk, coffee and even pureed fruits
• May even work with urine
  

Sure, you could try this

But it looks boring and difficult to store, and it's more expensive, though it doesn't have a six hour incubation period.

You could run to 7-11 and get a slurpee for $0.99 and call all your friends and tell them the joke, but that would make you a dick.



Overall score: 85%
Justification: Frozen coffee plus cost-benefit analysis makes this a winner

How do ninjas raise their children?

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk. Did he tell you what caliber to get?" asked the clerk." "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesnt even know that I am going to shoot him!""

It'd probably be a whole lot cooler if it was a 007 brand and you could wake up to the "I'm James Bond and I just shot an evil foreigner" music.

Still, the concept is cool: set the alarm like it's a normal alarm clock, sleep with a plastic gun under your pillow, and when you want to shoot your alarm clock at 7am because the noise makes you cringe, just grab your piece and pop a cap in the clock, figuratively speaking -- hit the bullseye to shut off the alarm.

Rude awakening, meet Nintendo Entertainment System's popular game of enduring legacy, Duck Hunt. (Duck Hunt, meet rude awakening).

Even more impressive is that the designers built on the basic concept by allowing different modes, as illustrated in this helpful video.

It costs about the same as Duck Hunt did when it came out in the 1980s, but it does come in three colors.

Overall score: 75%

Justification: Good, expensive and slightly kitsch, but good

Catch Up, Mustard Relish, Don't Get Left Behind

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:

We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow.

Only if you are an American would you think to shoot your food after it's already dead, and yet this product comes to us via the United Kingdom -- available here. (I still predict a lot of sales in Texas)

IMHO, there is a humility in the old-fashioned, un-labelled red and yellow condiment dispensers that has been left behind in this product. Where the tradtional dispensers conjure up images of an outdoor barbecue or picnic (see related product)...

... the condiment gun proffers no such tranquility.

Food fights? Obviously, the gun boasts a psychological edge, but whether its range and accuracy can match or better the traditional dispensers is another question.

The loading process looks cumbersome, and if the gun jams on you, you could be left with some pretty ordinary food.

Overall score: 67%

Justification: Still waiting for the super soaker version

Title a riff on Monkberry Moon Delight

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

Wawaweewa...

This is phenomenal because every time I eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, I don't just eat it, I savour it, some might say I make out with it. Now I can get all the delicious flavor of Reese's Peanut Butter and real enjoyment of making out and none of the calories, ba-dum-ching!

There are some caveats that consumers should be aware of, for example, it might not be safe for anaphylactics with a severe nut/peanut allergy. You might be so overtaken by the smell that you unwittingly consume the entire stick of balm. You might be overtaken by this product's powers and rub the balm/gloss all over your body in an attempt to emulate the perfection of Resse's Peanut Butter products.

Hershey has a whole line of lip products for their chocolate and candy (including Twizzlers). I've also seen lip balm in Nesquik, Twinkie and Ding Dong flavors... watchout!

Overall score: 20 million
20 million what: Yeah, it's frickin amazing

Title from Charles M Schulz

And a title runner up: If you don't mind smelling like peanut butter for two or three days, peanut butter is darn good shaving cream -- Barry Goldwater

Snake Bite Emergency Kit?

A priest and a nun were lost in a blizzard. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor - but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold."
He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got a blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."
He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."
This time, he stayed in the sleeping bag, giving the woman a wink and a smile, then said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "Bring it on, big boy!" To which the priest yelled out, "Okay then - get up and get your own damn blanket!"

A sleeping bag shaped like a man!

I'm conflicted on this one. It is clearly an inventive product, but I ask myself, what is the need? I like to think this Selk Bag extends beyond mere novelty, that there is some purpose outside of sleepwalking for which this bag exists. I am left to think that it is solely to be able to move your arms around while keeping them warm, and also to ensure that you don't feel like George Costanza when he forgot to ask the hotel for "no tuck." I guess in many ways, this is the Jerry Seinfeld of sleeping bags, and regular shmoes like George are stuck with regular sleeping bags. OK, so there are other uses.


Wintercamping -- check
Snow angels -- check
Vitruvian man -- check


Still, what if you happen to be camping with a group of people, one of whom is the boy/girl you like and all you can say is, "hey want to sleep next to marshmallow man?" There's no doubling in these. And for people who can't sleep without feeling like they're being covered, this won't fly either.

Overall score: 76%
Justification: Comfortably ridiculous or ridiculously comfortable?


Title from the late, great Mitch Hedberg

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

(I was looking for a good sex toy joke, but I found this video and it is far better than any joke.)


This bed sheet outlines several kama sutra positions and is available here; they call it the KarmaSheetra -- seems like a typo (should be kama?). You may need a cricket toy (see below) if a guest happens to catch an inadvertent glimpse of this laid out on your bed.





The Twister Duvet, which I'm not sure is available to buy online anymore, was a strong competitor for this product. I know which I like better, but I'll let the masses speak.

Online Surveys & Market Research

Of course, you could always just buy a book with many more positions, but this is more interactive, and that's more fun.

Overall score: 80%
Justification: It's sexy picnic time

Punchline for title is crude but humorous... you've been warned

Splurge!

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, it’s just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they’re sperm samples???” , “DO IT!” So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after four samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey - its not that hard.”

...Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

This is a sperm bank. It stores coins, but it's in the shape of a grossly oversized sperm. My apologies if you stumbled upon this page while were traversing the web in search of something else. I have to admit that I like puns; that, in addition to a storage function has won this product a strong rating (you see, it doesn't take a lot). It is available to purchase here.

Overall score: 83%
Justification: There are a lot of non-piggy coin banks and none are this clever or tasteless.

WARNING: Do not inseminate your partner with this product.

Title from the the first word that comes to mind when I think about this product.