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Product Humorist #117

USB Humping Dog

I think the title and picture say it all.

I have only to add... finally.

Dicktowel.com

Beautiful, brilliant... dicktowels.

Funny product. I believe it is a run-off from a gag on the TV series, "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," but I'm not sure who operates it, although the site was mentioned on the show.

Get yours in time for winter vacation to show off on the beach!

Blockbusted!

Meet the King David to Blockbuster's Goliath.

MovieCube, aka the Canadian RedBox, has popped up in Loblaw stores across Canada. (Note Blockbuster's knee-jerk response to make 7000 of these machines in 2010.)

The movies are relatively current, and you pay $1/day for a DVD rental with your credit card, or with the tears of a film industry executive.

While much has been written about the consequences for the beleaguered film industry in the states, there hasn't been much coverage up in Canada. People are too busy acting like the Toronto International Film Festival makes them personally important to realize that this is the sort of machine that will lead to fewer of those coveted distribution deals at the festival.

Some studios have boycotted these machines for fear of ending up like the music industry (see: 1999-2007). This policy has led to antitrust litigation in the land of our fair but litigious neighbo(u)rs. Some studios have made deals with the kiosk/movie rental company -- if you can't beat'em, you might as well join'em... and it's going to be hard to beat an offering of current movies for $1/day against the aggravation of wandering aimlessly through Blockbuster until you find the movie you want, but can only get a rain check for because someone else got there first, so you end up paying $4-5 for your second choice. (Note, the kiosks can also run out of your first choice)

Of course, even the kiosks still have to compete with hulu or surfthechannel or any host of sites or programs that offer the movies for free.

What's the bottom line? Chains like Blockbuster take it on the chin. Mom-and-Pop video rentals adapt to offer a more eclectic selection of films not available in the kiosks. Kiosk companies increase their stature until disc-technology is obsolete and everything is OnDemand.

In Canada, is Loblaw the right channel for distribution? Is it going in Walmarts and McDonald's's and Indigo/Chapters... and gasp... Starbucks?

Rating: Hold

Justification: Can it compete against free content?

Here Come the Son Kings

If you've been living under a rock, Beatles Rockband is set to be released on September 9, 2009. That 09/09/09 for those keeping track (the Beatles have a thing for 9s). This game will attract hordes of new gamers from older generations as Beatlemania continues to rage some 40 years after the group's dissolution.

GET EXCITED

Two people instrumental to the game's development are Dhani Harrison and Giles Martin (L and R, respectively), offspring of George Harrison and George Martin (respectively), respectively guitarist/backup vocal/songwriter and producer.

That's a lot of respect, but hey, it's the Beatles.

The art of the game is something to behold. Take off your pants and have a look at these images

Wow

Score: 100%

Justification: The union of Beatles and Rockband is like, well, the union of Lennon and McCartney

Mitch Lives On!

mitch hedberg on pringles - Watch more Funny Videos

The first joke about Pringles Potato Chips in this video is a well known quip by fans of the late Mitch Hedberg. The target is of course Pringles' tubular packaging that looks not unlike tennis ball packaging.

Exhibit "A"

Exhibit "B"

According to Wikipedia, three tennis balls will fit in the Pringles container.

So there I was standing in Sainsbury's in Edinburgh, a Scottish grocery chain, when I saw these specially packaged Pringles

The only thing they left out was, "Hey Mitch, sorry you're dead, but..."

Would this packaging would be found funny by those unaware of the Hedberg joke? Can the delivery of the joke on the label can match the Hedberg delivery? We may never know.

The funnier thing for Pringles to do would be to make promotional tennis balls, or promotional special edition tennis ball flavored chips. Who else likes the smell of fresh tennis balls? God bless chemicals.

Overall Score: 77%

Justification: Pringles are still a god among chips

The ironing is delicious

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None—the lightbulb has to want to change

Help the environment, screw it in ironically, light it and place it above your head when you think of something brilliant -- it's the light bulb candle.

Currently on sale for $17, seems a little expensive, but you can't put a price on ironic effect.

Overall score: 71%

Justification: We now know a thousand ways not to build a light bulb." -Thomas Edison

Title a la Bartholomew Jojo Simpson

Support Iran

No humor in this post, but I do draw your attention to two interesting tshirts available online.

social media -- facebook, youtube and most of all in this case twitter -- are really blurring the line between news provider and audience in response to the impugned Iran election. Say what you will about twitter acting as a foundation for the protest vs. the protest acting as a foundation for twitter. These Iran election tshirts capture that symbiosis, but also promote an allegiance with the protesters. Yet, it's unclear and doesn't seem likely that the proceeds from these Mousavi products and other merchandise in support of the Iranian people are going to aid the protesters

Butt What?

A Belch is just one gust of wind,
That cometh from thy Heart...
But should it take the downward trend,
It turns into a Fart!

Presenting Subtle Butt, aka The Tex-Mex Antidote, aka Breathe-Right Down Under, aka Nazi Gas Chamber, to be used in combination with Hitler Underwear, below (too far?).

According to the manufacturer, "simply stick it in the right place and you're ready for a chili cook-off. " Might be a good idea to double pad.

How long lasting is this massi-pad? Depends on your diet

What do you do with used pads? Leave them under your roommate's pillow

How badly do you need this product? If you have to think about it, you probably need it

Can it be used as a gas mask? No, tell your friends to squeeze tighter

Overall score: 65%

Justification: It's very close to a piece of crap

The Slushie Guru

Q: Why did the dick go to the 7-11?

A: To get a slurpee

Make off colored jokes, like the above, obsolete with product that will slushify naturally sugared (ie non-diet) beverages -- the Slush Mug

Here's the cold facts:

• Makes drinks into slush in MERE minutes (wih some stirring, after you've frozen the glacier core of the mug for approximately 6 hours)
• Non-toxic materials for safe drinking
• Slushified drink will last up to two hours
• Glacier Core will last for up to five years: after that, it transforms into another mug for the cupboard
• May or may not be dishwasher safe
• Will work with milk, coffee and even pureed fruits
• May even work with urine
  

Sure, you could try this

But it looks boring and difficult to store, and it's more expensive, though it doesn't have a six hour incubation period.

You could run to 7-11 and get a slurpee for $0.99 and call all your friends and tell them the joke, but that would make you a dick.



Overall score: 85%
Justification: Frozen coffee plus cost-benefit analysis makes this a winner

The hardest part in making the vodka is getting the pig drunk

There is a lot of bacon flavored nonsense out there:

Toothpicks

Jellybeans

Gummy candy

Gumballs

Air-fresheners

Mints

Bacon Salt (wins the irony award for being vegetarian and kosher)

and, sadly, bacon flavored dental floss (I note that there is also an ironic cupcake flavor!)

but vodka??!!INTERROBANG!!?? HAS TO take the cake. WHY WHOULD YOU THINK OF THAT?

Almost as disturbing as its very existence is the fact that it's taken seriously, and they have recipes to boot... Bakon Chocolate Martini? YUM.

Did someone drop their sandwich in the distillery? Fuck it, we'll make bacon vodka, and we'll spell bakon with k to be trendy and consistent.

Overall score: Confusion

Title -- kudos to Conan

How do ninjas raise their children?

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk. Did he tell you what caliber to get?" asked the clerk." "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesnt even know that I am going to shoot him!""

It'd probably be a whole lot cooler if it was a 007 brand and you could wake up to the "I'm James Bond and I just shot an evil foreigner" music.

Still, the concept is cool: set the alarm like it's a normal alarm clock, sleep with a plastic gun under your pillow, and when you want to shoot your alarm clock at 7am because the noise makes you cringe, just grab your piece and pop a cap in the clock, figuratively speaking -- hit the bullseye to shut off the alarm.

Rude awakening, meet Nintendo Entertainment System's popular game of enduring legacy, Duck Hunt. (Duck Hunt, meet rude awakening).

Even more impressive is that the designers built on the basic concept by allowing different modes, as illustrated in this helpful video.

It costs about the same as Duck Hunt did when it came out in the 1980s, but it does come in three colors.

Overall score: 75%

Justification: Good, expensive and slightly kitsch, but good

Catch Up, Mustard Relish, Don't Get Left Behind

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:

We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow.

Only if you are an American would you think to shoot your food after it's already dead, and yet this product comes to us via the United Kingdom -- available here. (I still predict a lot of sales in Texas)

IMHO, there is a humility in the old-fashioned, un-labelled red and yellow condiment dispensers that has been left behind in this product. Where the tradtional dispensers conjure up images of an outdoor barbecue or picnic (see related product)...

... the condiment gun proffers no such tranquility.

Food fights? Obviously, the gun boasts a psychological edge, but whether its range and accuracy can match or better the traditional dispensers is another question.

The loading process looks cumbersome, and if the gun jams on you, you could be left with some pretty ordinary food.

Overall score: 67%

Justification: Still waiting for the super soaker version

Title a riff on Monkberry Moon Delight

Hit stains

BREAKING NEWS

Hitler underwear recalled

Not much to add to this, if they had done a whole line of fascist underwear, maybe they would have got away with it... Pol Pot, Lenin, George W...

I wonder if these'll pop up on eBay

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

Wawaweewa...

This is phenomenal because every time I eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, I don't just eat it, I savour it, some might say I make out with it. Now I can get all the delicious flavor of Reese's Peanut Butter and real enjoyment of making out and none of the calories, ba-dum-ching!

There are some caveats that consumers should be aware of, for example, it might not be safe for anaphylactics with a severe nut/peanut allergy. You might be so overtaken by the smell that you unwittingly consume the entire stick of balm. You might be overtaken by this product's powers and rub the balm/gloss all over your body in an attempt to emulate the perfection of Resse's Peanut Butter products.

Hershey has a whole line of lip products for their chocolate and candy (including Twizzlers). I've also seen lip balm in Nesquik, Twinkie and Ding Dong flavors... watchout!

Overall score: 20 million
20 million what: Yeah, it's frickin amazing

Title from Charles M Schulz

And a title runner up: If you don't mind smelling like peanut butter for two or three days, peanut butter is darn good shaving cream -- Barry Goldwater

Snake Bite Emergency Kit?

A priest and a nun were lost in a blizzard. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor - but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold."
He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got a blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."
He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."
This time, he stayed in the sleeping bag, giving the woman a wink and a smile, then said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "Bring it on, big boy!" To which the priest yelled out, "Okay then - get up and get your own damn blanket!"

A sleeping bag shaped like a man!

I'm conflicted on this one. It is clearly an inventive product, but I ask myself, what is the need? I like to think this Selk Bag extends beyond mere novelty, that there is some purpose outside of sleepwalking for which this bag exists. I am left to think that it is solely to be able to move your arms around while keeping them warm, and also to ensure that you don't feel like George Costanza when he forgot to ask the hotel for "no tuck." I guess in many ways, this is the Jerry Seinfeld of sleeping bags, and regular shmoes like George are stuck with regular sleeping bags. OK, so there are other uses.


Wintercamping -- check
Snow angels -- check
Vitruvian man -- check


Still, what if you happen to be camping with a group of people, one of whom is the boy/girl you like and all you can say is, "hey want to sleep next to marshmallow man?" There's no doubling in these. And for people who can't sleep without feeling like they're being covered, this won't fly either.

Overall score: 76%
Justification: Comfortably ridiculous or ridiculously comfortable?


Title from the late, great Mitch Hedberg

I like my coffee... crisp?

I may spend a little time on this one because it is a violation of something sacred.

I can never resist trying a variation of an old favorite, like new chocolate bar flavors etc. Naturally, this looked like a must; I was going to buy a Tim Horton's Iced Cap anyway, so I thought I may as well give this Frosty-cino a try instead.

If they had just pured hot coffee over a chocolate frosty, it would have been a lot better. This tastes like a dead bird's ass. That does not taste very good.

Because it's still ice cream, it's not the worst thing you'll ever have, but Wendy's really rushed this product through quality control. Remember when frosties were our friend?

You might have noticed there have been several Frosty variations abound in the past several months. In the fall of 2008, we were introduced to their version of the McFlurry -- Twisted Frosties -- and these are delectable at worst. More recently, we've seen their "hand spun" Frosties in chocolate fudge, vanilla bean and strawberry flavors. I don't know what's hand spun about it, I didn't see anyone operating a churn behind the register; none the less, these get strong enough marks. They also brought out a Frosty float; it tastes like any other float, which is good, but I'm not sure what's so special about it. This F-cino, however, really caps off the descent of the Frosty. Dear Wendy's: Get this product off the market before you ruin Frosties for everybody. My body cannot wait to excrete this.

There's also the Coffee Toffee, if you like little hard bits of toffee in your frosty rather than whipped cream and chocolate drizzle, but otherwise no different than a Frosty-cino.

Here is someone with the opposite view.

I think it's the girl from Superbad, but I'm not sure. She needs to get a clue because someone clearly just shot a poison tipped arrow into her brain.

If you needed more reason not to get one of these, here's some nutritional info on the Frosty-cino.

The good old days of Frosties are gone. We need to get back to basics.

Overall score: 50%
Justification: It tastes like an dead bird's ass, but hey, it's still a Frosty

Title from 1980's Coffee Crisp ad campaign

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

(I was looking for a good sex toy joke, but I found this video and it is far better than any joke.)


This bed sheet outlines several kama sutra positions and is available here; they call it the KarmaSheetra -- seems like a typo (should be kama?). You may need a cricket toy (see below) if a guest happens to catch an inadvertent glimpse of this laid out on your bed.





The Twister Duvet, which I'm not sure is available to buy online anymore, was a strong competitor for this product. I know which I like better, but I'll let the masses speak.

Online Surveys & Market Research

Of course, you could always just buy a book with many more positions, but this is more interactive, and that's more fun.

Overall score: 80%
Justification: It's sexy picnic time

Punchline for title is crude but humorous... you've been warned

Soooooooooooooo... you like stuff?

As far as bare parts are concerned, this product does not differ greatly from the yodeling pickle.

The brains behind The Cricket Toy seek to capitalize on awkward silence. Have one of these on hand while you perpetrate awkwardness -- push the button, hear the chirp, and watch as all the awkward silence is washed away by awkward laughter.

I expect they'll sell a number of these; the $5 pricetag for online orders (pre-shipping) does not seem prohibitive.

It has a life of about 3000 chirps, which will almost certainly outlast its novelty. The Question still remains...

Online Surveys & Market Research

Overall score: 74%

Justification: Kitsch + trend potential = moderate success

I know you liked the foreshadowing in the last post.

You look like Robin Williams' knuckles

An angry mob is walking along the street. Someone yells, "Hey, let's hang that guy with facial hair!" Someone else yells, "Nah, let's use a rope!"

(cricket sounds)...

Props to this product. www.beardhead.com

I don't know if this is the brainchild of an individual or a team of people or a group of monkeys working around the clock, but I like it, and living, as I do, in a country that endures long winters, I like a product that so effectively combines practicality, cleverness, and isn't unfashionable, maybe even crossing into stylish territory.

It comes in five colors, viking (blonde, above), pirate (black), lumberjack (brown), grandpa (gray) and bunny (pink). I think they should make an orange for redheads, but clearly they don't give much thought to matching real hair color (above, see eyebrows). Then they can make orange for pirates a la Redbeard, and shift black to Rabbi, or orange can be Leprechaun. You can wear it with the regular moustache, or you can order other moustache accesories, such as a fu manchu, or a viking braid. They're working on other ideas, hopefully we won't see a hitler stache, but they can't be blamed for floating the idea. The genius of the moustache is that it offers extra face coverage for those extremely wind chilled days where your snot funnels out of your nose and semi-freezes on your upper lip. It could also be used as a costume. I hope this does well.

Overall score: 89%

Justification: It's funny, and it looks really warm.

Title from Knocked Up

Side by side in my outhouse toilet, oh lord, why don't we?

A child walks in to the living room and asks "Dad, where does Poo come from?" Without wanting to be too explicit the father replies "Well, son. First Mummy makes us dinner. Then we eat it. Then the body takes away all the goodness from the food to make us strong. Then we sit on the toilet and what's left comes out as poo".Looking stunned and somewhat upset the child replies, "And what about Tigger?"

Where can you find a piece of shit plush toy? Right here!

My only real critique is that the packaging should resemble a toilet bowl. And "Where is the toilet paper doll?" You ask. Well, see here (Not quite the same as the pee and poo concept, but surprising that it exists noentheless.)

This product comes from the inventive brain of a Swedish designer, these toys are cute and clever, and headline an entire brand of the pee and poo characters, which involves clothing and some accessories, all of which is INCREDIBLY OVERPRICED (I think USD $80 for the pair) but still, there is charm, and the brand could potentially be used to potty train kids, or to get as a gift at Urban Outfitters for someone you don't know that well, but to whom you want to seem "different." For more information on the Japanese poo obsession, (because I know you're curious) click here.

Overall score (not factoring in the price, because we all have money trees): 85%
Justification: Unique, clever, not cheap schwag, decent gift

Title a riff on Ebony and Ivory

Splurge!

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, it’s just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they’re sperm samples???” , “DO IT!” So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after four samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey - its not that hard.”

...Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

This is a sperm bank. It stores coins, but it's in the shape of a grossly oversized sperm. My apologies if you stumbled upon this page while were traversing the web in search of something else. I have to admit that I like puns; that, in addition to a storage function has won this product a strong rating (you see, it doesn't take a lot). It is available to purchase here.

Overall score: 83%
Justification: There are a lot of non-piggy coin banks and none are this clever or tasteless.

WARNING: Do not inseminate your partner with this product.

Title from the the first word that comes to mind when I think about this product.

Pickles are Cucumbers Soaked in Evil

Q: What do you call a pickle bargain?

A: A sweet Dill!

I hate pickles and I love hating pickles.

I love this product because it makes it easier to hate pickles.

The fact that the cartoon pickle on the packaging is yodeling and wearing lederhosen lightens my intense hatred, elevating pickles almost to cucumbers, which are neither here nor there. The dress of the cartoon pickle is perhaps the most noteworthy aspect of this product; I like the sock garters and the yankee doodle cap -- some Bavarian lad put a lot of thought (or drugs) into this. The furry moustache and drinking problem also get a thumbs up. Speaking of thumbs, this product looks like someone tore the thumb of an incredible hulk figurine.

But all in all you get what you pay for, a plastic pickle with a cheap sound card.

Available for purchase here and at other merchants of kitsch by typing "yodel" and "pickle" into your preferred search engine.

Overall score: 51%
Justification: WHO WOULD BUY THIS!? but we all like lederhosen

...Title taken from related Threadless Tshirt ...